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When You Love a Man

March 3, 2014

How-to-love-a-man-1Loving a man who loves you back 1o times more speaks volumes.  Especially when that man is someone you’ve been in love with for most of your life and have gone through everything you can possibly imagine to go through — and even through it all he still wants you in his life.  No one can tell me that doesn’t speak volumes on all levels.  If the relationship was not abusive, but there were just things that took you in different directions of your lives, before you sever the ties between you, it’s wise to ask if you’re really making the right decision.  I am talking about if you are not married to him.  Is walking away from the relationship a good idea at that point of your life?  Photo from Black Love Advice.

I’ll admit that in the last few years of my relationship, I felt there had become this huge disconnect between me and my man.  I didn’t think we were on the same page and I didn’t know how to approach it.  The problem was there was no solid communication.  Things didn’t have to go the way they did had there been some true communication which would have kept our relationship strong.  And had there been true honesty, feelings would have not gotten to be where they were.

When life falls apart, it’s important to know how to pick up the pieces and put it back together again.  It starts with talking about what the problems were, what they had gotten to be, and why they occurred ~ without pointing the finger at one another.  Yes, there are going to be some tears, and yes there are going to be some heated discussions, but if you love each other, you have to work through what the problems were that got you to be where you’re at.  And if the relationship is worth saving, and there is that light at the end of the tunnel, don’t let it get away from you.

True-Love-QuoteYou are going to experience resistance from others who are not supportive of you continuing the relationship even after it has had some major setbacks and downfalls.  But as I have been told over the years and in the past months, they are not the ones living your life.  Photo from Southern Girl Ramblings.

We choose how we deal with situations, and determine if whether or not it’s worth the risk of saving.  And if you love that man like there’s no tomorrow and he’s returning that same love but on a higher scale.  Is taking a chance so bad that you have to live by what and how others think and feel?  Let me tell you, if you can look back and see more good times than you did, that’s a key reminder of just how good a shape it was in.  Where things fall about is what has to be addressed and once an understanding is reached and you’re both back on the same page with a higher level of understanding, and are in agreement of what needs to be done more, you’re in more of a good shape than you realized.

If the relationship was just sex and nothing more, it was doomed from the start.  My relationship was not just sex because I have always saw him so much more than that.  He was my friend, my companion, he was someone I always had a good time with, and someone I always saw as being there for me through all the good and bad times.

We can’t rewrite the past, only write chapters for a better future.  Make amends with everyone who got hurt in the process, and make them understand that you weren’t the only one at fault ~ you both had a huge hand to play in making it work, and a huge part to play in there being such a huge disconnect.  What you do from this point going forward will determine if you’re going to survive this storm and those to come.  The main thing is to remember how much you loved each other going into the relationship and where you are now.

It takes two people to make it work.  Making the decision to give it another go-around, means letting the past go. Don’t dwell on it otherwise you won’t make it to another year.  Do the things you missed out on doing when you got together like really dating each other, talking about things you never talked about before, exploring greater heights of your sex life and seeing what you like and what you can do more of.  Most importantly, and I have learned this, enjoy each others time.  It doesn’t have to involve sex and being all touchy-feely.  Just sitting at lunch or over coffee and enjoying each other like you have never done before.  Go to dinner, take in a movie.  Sit on the pier and watch the sun go down sharing a bag of popcorn.  Things like that can play a major role in strengthening the relationship.

Loving a man doesn’t mean going deep in his pockets.  It’s so much more than that.  Be there for each other on all aspects of the relationship.  Talk about your expectations and your level of tolerances.  It can only help you and make you a better couple.  And it can prepare you for taking that big walk down the aisle of your love for each other ventures down that path.

What I have learned, too, is a real good man is not as in the dark as you will think he is.  He is more aware of what is going on around him, especially in his household, than you would care to imagine.  This is why communication is so important.  Trying to keep things from him is only going to complicate things more than they need to be.  If you are having problems, fill him on what those problems are.  He can be your best source of solving those problems because you’re in the relationship together as a whole.  If you’re having money issues, talk about it with him.  Together you can come up with a solution to handling those financial worries and getting on a much clearer track.  If you feel there is something wrong in the relationship, sit him down and talk to him about it.  Keeping the lines of communication open ~ like I said ~ can make for a healthy relationship, without it, you are not likely to last a year.  If you do, you’ll be miserable and will be right back where you started…trying to figure out how to get out of it.

Love him, don’t bash him.  Don’t beat and kick him when he’s down.  What goes around comes around.  If he is loving you unconditionally, going above and beyond the realm of true love, he is definitely a keeper.

Getting Re-Married vs. the Children

February 24, 2014

Ladies, this is for you!!!

So, you may notice that I am doing a series on marriage this month.  Why?  A lot of people I know are getting married — meaning in February alone, many of them became engaged some for the first time, and some for the 2nd and 3rd time around; and some of them have children from other/previous relationships.  So the question is, when you are considering taking that journey down the aisle, and you have older children, how do they feel about the whole idea of marrying the one you’re with?

If you are experiencing any resistance from the children or a child  for your decision to finally marry the man you’ve been with all the time because he’s proposed, you have to stop and ask yourself where is the resistance coming from and are the reasons for them not wanting you to marry that person valid reasons.  If you hear reasons like:

  • He hurt my feelings 10 years ago
  • He wouldn’t let me get on the basketball team at school
  • He wouldn’t buy me that phone I asked him about
  • He spanked me 15 years ago
  • He ate the last piece of chicken
  • He’s eaten all the food
  • He won’t let me have a dog
  • He won’t buy me those $200 boots

Or something as trivial as that, you have to ask if those are valid reasons for not getting married and if those are valid grounds for kicking him out.  I knew someone who was going to be married to a really good man.  He was from China, but he was the most nicest, gentle, compassionate person you could ever know.  He was the kind of man who would give you the shirt off his back.  When it came down to them getting married, it was her kids who were the reason that marriage never happened, and to this day he has refused to speak to her or the kids.  This man was giving her $3000 – $5000 every month to do whatever she wanted and would give the kids individually $1000 a piece.  Yeah, he had money, and they took advantage of that.  The straw that broke the camel’s back was she got pregnant by him.  Her kids were so against it that she had an abortion — that was grounds for him packing up and leaving.  He left them money to get through the month, but never spoke to them again.

Life is too short to let friends, family, or even grown ass kids to tell you who you can and cannot love and marry.  I don’t think anyone wants to be old and alone, unless it’s by choice.  If the kids can’t get on board with you getting married whether it’s for your first or 100th time, it’s more their loss than anything because they will not be experiencing your happiness.  And for the friends and family who can’t get on board, screw them!  You are not marrying them, you’re marrying the one you love.  If he’s given you every kind of reason why this is going to work and why you are good for each other, and if God has given you signs to say this is the one you should be with, take a leap of faith and go for it.

The only time your kids should play a major factor in your decision to get married again is if they are babies, and you want the person you are marrying to be ready for taking on the responsibility of being a step-father.  If it’s clear he’s not ready to go that route, then it’s clear he is not the one for you.

My daughter is not in support of me getting married again.  In spite of the fact that she’s almost 20, I have found myself still looking for acceptance of her in terms of the decisions I make.  But her way of thinking is all based on her personal feelings and the word “forgiveness” has not been one to come across her tongue on any level.  So what do I do?  Be alone for the rest of my life because of her feelings?  What I try to make her understand is if she is feeling this way, it is going to trickle over into any other relationship I get in.

  • If he says anything wrong to her
  • If he hurts her feelings
  • If the new guy and I get into an argument or have a disagreement
  • If she doesn’t get her way

She is going to throw a tantrum and want him gone!  Period!  She says she wouldn’t but all that she has told me for wanting to me to end my relationship has all be based on her feelings being hurt and feeling disrespected.  Lord knows I have tried every which way to address every issue she’s had.  But now it’s coming back that I have dismissed her feelings and brushed how she felt off.  But she is almost 20 — she tells me this now when I’m at a new stage in my life — she makes it clear she is an adult and yet she will not do anything to get out there on her own to live the adult life.

I moved out of my mother’s house when I was 21.  The problem was I stayed in Los Angeles…I should have moved to another state like my sister did.  But the point is, I moved out regardless of the circumstances.  Anything I did was under my own roof where I was paying rent.  I did not have to ask approval for anything I did because I was grown and doing whatever the hell it was I wanted to do.

Getting married again should be something I should be able to do without any backlash from anybody.  And everybody I know has said the same thing — life is too short.  Marry who you love because you never know what tomorrow is going to bring…tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

So, ladies, if you have been asked to marry that someone you’ve been with for umpteen years, and he is all you have known, don’t let any type of interference deter you from taking that leap of faith and taking that walk down the aisle.  Love him as much as loves you.  We all go through something at one point in our lifetimes.  And everybody will experience an occasional bad moment, but that comes with the good and the bad.  The fun part should be making up.  If marrying him feels right, and it’s in the sight of God, and all signs points to the Heavens…do it.  Don’t go through the what ifs because you didn’t.  Don’t live your wondering why you didn’t.  It’ll be that one regret you’ll never get rid of.

Of course we want our kids to be a part of our marital bliss on that happy day, but if they can’t put their personal feelings aside and be happy for you for just that one moment, they are not concerned about your happiness, they are more concerned about themselves, and will turn it around to make it about themselves.

Be happy.  We all deserve it.

So You’re Thinking About Getting Married for the 2nd Time Around

February 20, 2014

weddingNo one wants to ever experience a failed marriage.  Something about that sometimes leaves a sour taste in their mouths that the thought of going through that experience again makes them bitter to the end.  Photo from Since My Divorce.

Then again, it creates that “The 3rd Time is the Charm” attitude that keeps them in the market for searching for that perfect marriage made from Heaven.

I know someone who was with his girlfriend for over 10 years before he finally married her.  To me that says they knew everything about each other that there was to know.  This was both their first marriage.

But what about those people who are jumping back on the saddle to do it the second time around?  do you know everything there is to know about your soon-to-be spouse?  Can you say you know everything there is to know about him/her?  Are you still finding out things that you probably should have known early on?  I always say that a year of dating is not enough to say you’re ready to marry that person.  Regardless of how much you say love them or how great you believe the chemistry is, dating for one year is just not enough because you may find out well after the fact that you married a serial killer or a rapist, or a pedophile, or a chronic cheater.

My boyfriend and I have known each other for 25 years and have lived together for 17.  Now I can say we know more about each other now than we ever have before.  And if marriage ever became a subject, we wouldn’t have any problems because we have gone through just about everything we could go through and have experienced everything we could experience — and in our old age, we both concluded that tricks are for kids.

If you’re making the block for the second time to head down that aisle to say “I DO!” you want to make sure this is a journey that will be worth taking.  Keep one thing in mind that this is the rest of your life not the rest of every one else life.  If they can’t wrap their mind around you wanting to marry the one you’re with, tell them in a nice and polite manner to go screw themselves.  You have to make the bed you lay in not them.

And who knows, this second marriage just may turn out to be the fantasy you have always wanted to live.

Here are some little tips to keeping your second marriage alive and strong:

  • Maintain open communication.  Talk about everything there is to talk about even right down to how bad the finances may be to the things that upset the both of you.  It can make for a healthy relationship down the stretch.
  • Never go to bed mad.  Trust me…you’ll wake up just as mad as you did the night before.  Makeup sex is everything people say it is because you end up forgetting what it was you were mad about, unless it was something super serious, then makeup sex can only fix a very short percentage of your being pissed off.
  • Be honest.  Don’t keep secrets in your new marriage.  Be open and honest about everything regardless of how embarrassing you think it may be or how hurtful you think it may be.  Deal with issues head on rather than trying to sweep them under the carpet or hide them in the closet.  If you’ve already got skeletons in your closet, why add to them.
  • Keep your sex life interesting.  Ok, this is for the ladies…you’ve heard the saying, “a woman outside, but a freak in the bedroom,” right?  There is truth to that.  We all know that a man likes to keep it fun and exciting by trying different things unless he’s dead below the waistline.  Be open to trying different things like positions, locations, toys, and the occasional adult movie.  Trust me, there is nothing wrong with toys and adult movies being involved in your sex life.  They can be quite the turn on and can add just as much fun and excitement.  Role playing is fun, too, because you get to wear different costumes, become a different person, and it is very kinky.  I have heard a lot of people who have actually enjoyed doing role playing, and do it quite often.  Ladies, don’t get mad if your new husband asks you to try different things or to watch an adult movie every now and then.  Don’t take it as an offense because it is actually quite complimentary to the idea of keeping that spark going.
  • Get out and do things.  Having activities you do on a regular basis keeps the togetherness balanced, in my opinion.  Agree on places you both like to go and things you like to do.  Ladies, it’s not always about you so be fair.  Be open to doing things he likes to do and he’ll be just as open to wanting to do things you like to do.  And come up with something that is a mutual agreement of what you both enjoying doing as a whole that can be that one regular thing you do together.  It can be going to a night club, picking a day of the week that is your movie theater night, or picking a time of the year that you take a trip.  Whatever it is, make it mutual and have fun doing it.  You want to enjoy each others time as much as possible.
  • Help each other out.  This is a sensitive issue because there is nothing more important than being there for each other.  Helping each other when a time arises.  If you have each others back from beginning to end, you have a strong marital relationship that others will no doubt envy.
  • Fighting doesn’t solve anything.  If you get angry with each other and it escalates to something more than you want it to, before it gets physical, and talking is not working, seek counseling.  He should never put his hands on you and visa-verse you should never put your hands on him.  Nothing should ever escalate to physical fighting or verbal abuse.  It’s not worth the long-term pain and suffering.
  • Always remember to be happy.

These are just a few that stand out in my mind for those who are working their way down the aisle to marital bliss for the second time around.  Make it the last time you’ll have to do it.

Live. Love.Laugh.

Back on the Highway Again

January 28, 2014

Highway-110Lets see, so the last time I drove must have been just before summer in 2012.  I didn’t realize how much I missed driving and how much I hated traffic until I got on the freeway on 01/27/14 going to and coming from North Hollywood right after work.  People drive even crazier and traffic is just as congested as it ever been, and yet, I missed driving — I missed the independence of it.

I can’t complain about not having a car that really wasn’t mine to begin with.  So, to have my own makes it more appreciative and more independent of self.  Yeah, traffic is crazy, people drive insane, and buses and trucks hog the roads, but I have to remember one thing, I am not chasing down a bus that’s not coming again for another 30-45 minutes, I’m not standing in the freezing cold or pouring rain on the bus stop, and I am not depending on others to pick me up and take me somewhere and being on their clock.  Thank the Lord!!!

I don’t bitch and moan because somebody darted out in front of me to make an illegal turn…probably a booty call they only have so many minutes to get to.  Better to slow down and let them go than to cause an accident that other driver would probably point the finger at me.  Nope, don’t need that kind of drama.

Anyway, it feels good to be doing “ME” for a change.  Nobody in my ear telling me what I can and can’t do, shooting me down because I’m trying to come up in the world.  It feels to be back in charge of my life and getting on the right path to success.  Nobody knows that feeling better than me.

About the photo:  Rolling on the 110-south, heading to the 10-west.  Encountered some traffic coming off the 5-Golden State freeway from North Hollywood.  It wasn’t too heavily congested.  It was more like a slow roll through downtown LA.  The sun was just getting, slight cloud overcast, but it was a nice drive overall, in spite of the nut cases who were just in a hurry to get wherever they were going.  – Photo taken by Rene

It’s All About Fresh Starts in 2014

January 24, 2014

SAM_1865Coming into a new year is all about look at how things will be done differently.  How will my life be improved?  Will I improve my income?  What do I want change?  How will I better myself? What changes do I want to make?  We make these life challenges for the sake of determining if how we live our lives in the new year will be any different in the year before.  I don’t say resolutions because most of break them before the year gets off to a good start.

We as women have the power to change the outcome of our lives, change the situation we are in if it needs to be changed.  Sitting on our asses and waiting around for things to happen is not the way it works, and usually nothing gets done or changed, just trickles over into the next year and the years after that.

For me, I wanted 2014 to be a year I lived differently.  I made two lists before the end of 2011, and I didn’t share those lists with anyone until now.  One list was taking a mental note of how I wanted to live and the second list was a physical list pertaining to the goals I wanted to achieve.  The mental list consisted of bettering myself, reducing the amount of stress I’d been under, losing weight, focusing on self, taking better care of my health, finding happiness, and improving my strength and energy.

The second list of the physical realm consisted of enrolling in classes and working towards a degree, spending more time with my daughter and guiding her in the right direction of getting her life started, taking some trips to get away, paying off some bills and building my credit back up, taking tennis classes, buying a car, helping my mom as much as I can, getting more “ME” time, and getting the most out of my life while I still can.

I am not as relationship driven as I have been before because I know it’s there and I know what I’m working towards.  I put on the table that I will not be working at this buy myself because relationships take two people to make it work and thrive.  And it takes two people to keep the spice alive.  It’s pointless if only one person is working at it while the other person doesn’t seem interested and is just going with the flow.  Sorry, that’s now how I’m rolling in 2014.

2011 Ford Fiesta1So, far I have accomplished one of the things of my physical list, which is buying a car.  It was a huge risk, but I had to.  I had to do it for myself to see if I could.  I needed to do it for myself because I’d been on the bottom for so long that I needed to be lifted to great heights to let the world know that I was back on top, and that I was not going to be down for the rest of my damn life.

It was like I got up one day and said, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!”  It was like I had reached a whole new level of being fed up with riding the bus, dealing with rude people, standing out in the cold at 4:30 am scared to death, being out in the rain, and most of all — being limited to what I could do.  I felt helpless and at the mercy of other people every time I needed to get somewhere.  I just decided that I was not going to live my life like that anymore.

The good thing is I have  few accounts that are about to be paid off completely in the next couple of weeks.  That puts the money back into my income so by the time I make my first payment, it will come out of my account with no problems.  I have taken care of my insurance, so that’s all set.  And I am back on track with having my own car and not have to worry about how I’m going to get around.

2011 Ford Fiesta3This year has been about fresh new starts more over being about new beginnings and resolutions.  I have looked back at where I have come from, where I have been, to where I am now and where it is I want to go.  I don’t set resolutions because I just don’t believe in them.  I just knew what direction I wanted to go in and how I wanted to get there.

My mom says, “You can finally ride in style, feel proud in your own car!”  My sister says when I told her I bought the car was, “Congrats!!!  Glad you finally took that plunge!”  My daughter is happy to have wheels again, too.

2011 Ford Fiesta2I had a choice to either keep riding the Metro bus or get back to where I am used to being and I chose to get back to where I am used to being.  Having my own car, having money in the back, and being happy.  I have never liked starting over again because it always made me feel like I have failed.  And feeling like a failure is the worse feeling ever, especially when you have a child who is watching your every move.  Did I have to buy the car?  I didn’t really have to, but I chose to do so to show that I am nobody’s failure, and I am the assuming all the risks that go along with it.  I’ve asked no one for help in the process and I do not plan on doing so.

EnjoyingLifeYou can say I am starting to enjoy life a little more.  Taking things one day at a time for a change instead of trying to do everything at once.  I am taking things as they come along and dealing with them head on and keep it moving.  That’s my whole attitude now.  No more being Ms. Nice Nice because being nice and sweet has not gotten me anywhere.

My thing now is if you can’t hold your own, I can’t be bothered.  I don’t do well with complainers, blatant laziness, and ignorance, especially when there’s work to be done.  You either know where you’re going in life or you’re going to get left behind…plain and simple.

I can’t feel accomplished if I am not working hard and visibly seeing things fall into place.  I can’t feel good about myself if I am not out there making things happen for me.  I can’t feel like I’m doing my job if nothing is getting done.  What we set our minds to and where we set our sights determine how far we will go and how bad we want it.  That is how I feel.  Do I expect everyday will be all hunky-dory?  No, I don’t.  That is irresponsible thinking, if you ask me.  However, I do expect everyday to show evidence that I put for the the effort to make tomorrow much better than yesterday.

In three years I will be 50.  By the time of my 50th birthday I want to be able to have something show for the years before.  I want to be able to look back on the last five years of my life and say, “This is what I have successfully accomplished,”  and I want everybody to look back with me and toast up in cheers of my good fortune.  I don’t care who don’t have my back, and I don’t care about who don’t like me for whatever reason.  But until they walk a mile in my shoes, they will never understand why I have come to be where I am now, and why I am working hard to get to where it is I want to be comfortably and happily.

We may just be on the 24th day of 2014, but trust me when I tell you, the road to happiness and success is going to be a long and hard road to travel, but it will be a journey worth taking because I see clearer now more than I ever have.  God is blessing me and is continuing to bless me because I put it all in his hands.

2014: The Birth of a New Year

October 28, 2013

The past five years have been full of a lot of ups and downs.  Getting a job promotions, having a hysterectomy, my boyfriend having a heart attack, the loss of his job that followed, my being laid off, struggling financially, fighting to get my daughter through her senior year — the struggles of those years have worn on me more so than the good ones.  There is no reason why at 46-years old, I feel like a 90-year old woman, when I’m used to feeling alive and full of energy; when I’m all about having a good time, enjoying myself and what life has to offer.  Instead, I look for corners to seclude myself away from people.  I don’t want to be bothered after a long hard day at work, I don’t want to stand an extra 3-4 hours on my feet cooking dinner, cleaning and doing the laundry.  I just want a one-way ticket away from the hustle and bustle of life’s reality.

46-years old and I just want out!  I want to go away and stay away, but that’s irresponsible thinking.  The truth is nothing will get solved, the problems won’t go away — they’ll just keep piling up until they are fully addressed, and crap just won’t change unless I take that first step towards making a change.

I think the lessons I have learned have been or should have been enough for me to realize where it was I needed to be in terms of bettering myself and making a much more comfortable life for myself and for my daughter.  When I look at the last five years of my life, the emotional struggle and strain has been really more than I could bear.

2008 was when I was promoted to another department and that came with a really nice salary increase.  I was living on easy street.  Bills were getting paid, groceries were being bought, I could go shopping whenever I wanted and not worry about the money, my daughter could get whatever she wanted, I took my mom to run her errands.  I mean, life seemed a little easier to live.

2008 was the same year I learned I had fibroid tumors.  Of course, that was a different part of my life to explore because I had no idea what to expect except knowing that my child bearing days were going abruptly come to an end, and I would never experience having a second child, which I have held some resentment.  Following the hysterectomy surgery in January 2009, my boyfriend had a heart attack in April 2010, and not having any clear solutions as to how we were going to survive after that was a difficult time period for everyone.

The thing that hurt  me the most was no one asked me how I felt throughout the whole ordeal of him having his heart attack.  He didn’t even ask me.  And each time I brought it up, I was told I was being selfish and was trying to make it about me.  I felt alone throughout the whole thing.

After a while I realized that anytime I said anything relating to wanting more support and more consideration towards my feelings, wants and needs, I was accused of being selfish and trying to make it about me.  If I wanted to be noticed, or if I wanted anything better for myself, or if I wanted to do better for myself I was accused of being selfish and ungrateful.  If I voiced how difficult times were, or if I was unhappy about something at work or just in general, I was told to suck it up.  It forced my silence to the point where I didn’t want to talk about nothing, didn’t want to express my feelings, didn’t want to talk about where I wanted the level of my success to be, my happiness, my needs or wants.  But what it did, too, was force me to voice my unhappiness as well.  Of course, no one sprang into action to ensure my happiness was a priority.  That became something I had to deal with on my own.  Seriously!

Then in September 2011, having that fight what the one I was in loved with — I believe is what really put us on a different path in our relationship, there was definitely a  disconnect because we really hadn’t been the same since.  I may have been wrong, but that’s how it felt.

January 2012, was the turning point.  I lost my job, and that was a moment of truth.  My mother told me then to come home.  She felt something I had not anticipated, or just refused to believe.  She did not want me facing uncertainty alone, even though she had every faith in me knowing I was going to find another job.  Even still, during that time I had my good days and I had my bad days.  I gained weight, started drinking more, and it seemed like the littlest things set me off to some degree.  Why wouldn’t it?  I had lost my job!  I didn’t like sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring telling me to come to work.  On top of that I felt like nobody gave a damn!  After all, my livelihood had been stripped from me, and felt like I had nowhere to go and nowhere to turn.  Nothing I did was right.  Nothing I said was right.

I went back to work March 2012 as a temp…worked my ass off to get full time December 2012.  That still wasn’t good enough.  The transition was a little hard financial-wise because [again] I took a cut in pay.  I had no other option but to take the job because I needed it and there weren’t no other guaranteed offers knocking down my door.  Then I ended up with no car.  Back on public transportation full time.  WTF!  Talk about downsized independence.

~~ Reality Check:

When I sit down and think about everything, the reality is I have not been happy for a long time and it goes back quite a long ways.  The extent of my anger covers a wide territory to the point where I just want out.  I’ve become withdrawn, secluded, even went weeks without makeup and have become lost in myself, and not caring about my appearance.  I’ll tell you how bad it got, I stopped ironing my clothes, hadn’t washed my hair in weeks, laundry piled up, clean clothes was running low — I became the ultimate hot mess.  I was to the point of looking destitute.

Friends who know me have said, “this is not you! What happened to you?”  and “Pull it together woman!”  I was losing sight of myself [again] because I spent a lot of time hiding behind how I really felt and holding in what I have really wanted to say.  I stopped crying.  I stopped caring.  I stopped feeling.  It’s like my world just stopped.

Life shifted into gear when I said I wanted to walk into 2014 without all the baggage, without all the anger, without the depression, without the struggles, and finance worries.  I want to walk into a new year without worrying about finances, how I was going to survive, or whether or not I was happy.  I want to walk into a new year with a plan to achieve my goals, set forth on a new path to finding happiness and doing the things I set out to do a long time ago, but didn’t, in order to achieve the true value of who I am.

I’ll be 50 in four years.  It’s hard looking back at my life and not feeling like I’ve accomplished anything, accept for publishing two books that didn’t sell like I had hoped they would.  You know what the best thing in life I’ve ever really and truly accomplished, which is my biggest achievement?  Having my daughter!  She’s been my whole life — my whole world.  She’s been the drive and the force that’s kept me going.  The only reason why I haven’t jumped on a bus with a one-way ticket and left and never came back is because of her.

I’m in a new transition of my life  I can’t explain how I feel right now because this transition is still too new, and becomes a new chapter in my life.  It’s affecting everyone.  For some it’s for the better and is a drastic, but good decision, and for others it’s heart breaking, sad and emotional.  In the end I don’t want to come out looking like the bad person.  I just want — for the first time — for someone to realize that this will be better for everyone.  We’ll all look back on this and come to some agreement that it’s been a good transition that needed to happen.

It’s been a long time coming and there’s no point kidding myself.  My heart and soul is in a different place, and my mind is on a different journey that speaks volumes.  I will always love him no matter what because we have a history that goes way, way back.  I will always want to know that he is OK, where he is and what he’s doing.  I know he doesn’t want me gone.  This is just where I am and where we are right now.

~~ Birth of a New Year:

The birth of a new year is how I see 2014.  Not so much as starting fresh, but more like starting over and starting new.  I’m taking things slow — one day at a time.  Strengthening myself and growing as a new person.  If he and I can remain friends then that will be its own prize.

There is a lot to learn from this.  Be sure of the relationships you get involved in.  Go into them with both eyes open and all your cards on the table.   Know what you want and what you expect.  You want to be sure you’re on the same page all the time, every single day that you’re together.  Be honest with each other and don’t be afraid to tell each other what’s on your mind.  Once that trust factor is challenged, once the lies start to surface, once things start to surface that you never knew were there, that’s when things start to come unglued, and who wants to go through that?

When you argue, squash it right then and there.  Get it all out in the open, deal with it and drop it.  Never, ever go to bed angry and never ever hold a grudge.  Talk about it and let it go.  Don’t feel like you have to explain yourself every time something comes up.  Say what you have to say and be done with it.  Support each other.  I can’t say this enough.  If there is no sense of support for each other going into the relationship, you may as well stay friends.  And by all means don’t cheat on each other — that’s just a huge waste of time on everybody’s part and it’s too emotionally involved and too draining, and way too much drama comes out it.  If he/she is not giving you what you want from the start and you find that years into the relationship you’re still not getting what you want and had anticipated and expected, don’t waste each others time by getting it from someone else.  End the relationship right then and there and don’t bring home the diseases.  Keep it moving.

Love is truly overrated.  However, it has its rewards.  If you truly love someone, love them unconditionally.  Have no secrets, and be honest about how you feel about that person.  Indulge in each others happiness.  Lift each other up when the other one is down.  Show them you care at each and every avenue.  Love is hard work, but if you work at it, the fullest of its potential can be achieved.

Live. Love. Be Happy in 2014.  “All Wounds Heal and so Does the Heart Mends.”

Sticks and Stones May May Break My Bones, Forget the Rest, I Don’t Give a Damn What You Say About Me

September 18, 2013

Let me explain something, here…first of all, I am four years away from being 50-years old.  Last time I checked I was a grown woman with an almost 19-year old daughter.  How somebody going to “check” me on what I say, how I say it, and how it was said?  If I didn’t direct what I’ve said to anyone directly, or open hurt anyone’s feelings, or call anybody names, and what I said was not meant to be taken out of context, even though it was, then there are some other deep seeded issues going on that need to be addressed before tempers flair.

This is why I don’t get too much involved with social media that much anymore.  People always feel like they have to scrutinize everything I say and want to make something out of nothing.  Don’t get me wrong, I have gone on to to say some stuff that people absolutely didn’t like, boyfriend included, and I have had to go back to those people to mend hurt feelings, explain myself, justify what I said, even though I didn’t have to, but at the same time, how many times have my feelings been hurt…openly?

I am at a point in my life now that I simply don’t care about what anybody says about me or what anybody thinks, or feels about me, whether or not they have something to say to my face or behind my back, doesn’t phase me at all.  It is not going to stop me from being me and from living my life, or from being who I am and striving to be who I want to be.

My realization is life is too short to be crying over people’s perception of me and have other people wanting to make me feel inadequate and less important because of their personal opinion.  They don’t decide my life’s future, and they certainly do not define or justify my past.  What they need to do is mind their own business, worry about what’s going on in their household and in their personal space around them, and stop paying so damn much attention to what’s going on under my roof.  I don’t remember any of them dotting my door to help pay bills or put food on the table.

I see these women in these reality shows beating up on each other because of something that was say or that old “He Said/She Said” scenario reared its ugly head, rather than sitting down and talking it out rationally and getting to the bottom of the situation like adults, not like animals.  Before I let it get to that, I’d rather just walk away and leave them to stew in their own juices.

I have enough going on in my life to let somebody think they are going to “check” me over crap I say, or jump into a conversation that has nothing to do with them whatsoever.  If I’m not bashing nobody or openly talking bad about somebody, then what’s the problem?

 

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